Funny Stuff: My Daughter's One Liner or Why I Stayed Single So Long

This story doesn't really relate to Minxi and I very well unless it could be said that this explains why I stayed single so long and it is very funny.  You see, I was subject to the worst cock block ever in history.   The following story is completely and totally true in every way.

First, my daughter dressed as some sort of nature nymph:

The Culprit

She smiles like that because she remembers what she did on my birthday.  That's right, this sweet charming child not only delivered the worst cock block in history she did it to me and on my birthday.  

You see, six months after the divorce, her mother, rather than help her buy me a birthday present, gave her some money to take me out to dinner for my birthday.  The child was naturally very excited and announced that she wanted to take me to the local hibachi restaurant; Kiku.

The Scene of The Crime

We sat down at the end of one of those long tables and waited for the chef to start the show.  While we were waiting, a woman about my age and her son, who was about my daughter's age sat down next to us.  The seating arrangement was like this:

son-woman-me-my evil devil child 

I hadn't had much stomach for dating since the divorce but that was now six months behind me and the woman was cute and it was my birthday, so I put on my game face and started with the chatting.  Well, what do you know, she was single too.  Don't know where baby daddy had gotten off to.  Didn't ask.  Divorce is not good "I'm thinking about hitting on you" talk.  The chatter went well.  "What school did her son go to?  Oh really?  Yes, I live in the apartments on Gage street.   Your friend lives there?  What a coincidence.  What building?"

It wasn't love at first sight or anything but she was showing some interest and had a nice sense of humor.  I got the impression that she had been off dating too, but that she was enjoying the attention.

By the time the cook got done flipping his spatulas and catching eggs in his hat, there was some flirt in it too.  Just small.  Ooops, our knees bumped.  Her putting her hand on my shoulder while she laughed at my joke.  Not much, but signs.  You know...signs.

By the time they came around with the little bowls of sherbet, I was feeling pretty good.  She was leaning across me to talk to my daughter who seemed to be enjoying this woman's company as well.  I felt pretty sure I'd be seeing her again soon.

It turned out that her son and I have the same birthday and they were there for his birthday dinner too. Seeing a good tie in, and not realizing that I had a mini-she devil sitting next to me, I said, "Actually, my daughter is paying for dinner tonight because it's my birthday too."

My daughter, sweet daughter, love of my life, leaned in and interjected, "Actually, mom's paying for dinner."

...

...

...

Let's rewind and see that again in slow motion.  The flirt is on.  The woman is interested.  I go to make my move and the helpful child says;   "Acutally...moom...is...payyiinng...for...diiiiinnnnneeeeerrrrrrrr."

The woman looked at my child,  looked at me,  and turned around.  End of conversation.  End of eye contact.  End of my love life.   The prefect cock block.

She had no idea what she'd done.  It was about a year later driving past that same restaurant when she said, "You know dad, I understand what I did."   "When you did what honey?"   "The other day I realized why what I said to that lady at dinner was so bad."   She was so young and so innocent.  I was so blocked but there was nothing I could do but weep.

She's 13 now and proud of what she did.  She brings it up when I'm with my friends.

True story; my daughter, the evil cock blocking robot.  

Avian and Swine Flu Danger to Tourists In Hong Kong

Hong Kong is full of these strange little signs.  They say things like "This Door Handle sanitized eight times daily."  The Hong Kong airport was full of them. They turn up in public places like museums, hotels or here in the Hong Kong Cultural Center:

Hong Kong Cultural Center

These signs, and other less noticeable changes, like the absence of chickens, and the presence of health check stations in the Hong Kong airport terminal are Hong Kong's response to recent Avian Flu outbreaks.  But is the Avian Flu or Swine Flu a danger to you as a tourist?  

The answer is; Yes the Avian Flu and Swine Flu dangers to you as a tourist...but probably not right now.

For centuries now, probably thousands of years really, the virus' that cause influenza have been taking advantage of similarities in human bird and pig cell structures to hop back and forth between human and animal hosts.  Virus' have incredibly fast rates of mutation and there's a new crop every year.  In places like Southern China and Hong Kong where it is warm and they take the phrase "animal husbandry" pretty literally, there's a lot of opportunity for influenza to hop out of its host and into humans.  

The question isn't, "Is there an bird flu or swine flu in Hong Kong right now?"  The question is "Is bird or swine influenza spreading like mad in humans right now?"  The answer to this question is usually no.  Both the Hong Kong and China governments keep close tabs on influenza and order massive animal kills if even one person dies of a chicken or swine related illness.  The disaster scenarios that you read about where a virulent flu breaks out and kills millions is certainly possible.  The Spanish Influenza outbreak of 1918 is estimated to have killed fully 3% of the world's population, a fact that my history teacher totally missed back in high school..  But, science and paranoia have grown a lot since then and today's influenza coming out of Asia has to get through some sturdy defenses first.

As a tourist headed to Hong Kong, the best thing you can do is check out the CDC website or call their hotel for travel alerts in Hong Kong and Southern China.  If a big outbreak of Avian Flu is happening, wiping doorknobs isn't going to help much, but there probably won't be an outbreak of any size happening while you are there.  Take a peek at the CDC website, eat some vitamin C and enjoy Hong Kong.

There's a hidden element to Swine and Bird Influenza that I've always wondered about;  How often do we humans give the flu to birds and swine?  It's a fair question,  we're wiping down doorknobs to keep the animals from infecting us, but ask yourself, who washes their hands before touching a pig.

He sneezed!  He sneezed!  Please, won't some one cover my snout!

Enjoy Hong Kong, but do remember to check the CDC or your hotel for information of Swine Flu and Bird Flu.  Good luck!

Traditional Chinese Cooking with Minxi: How to Make Fried Eggs with Tomatoes

Today Minxi sent me this picture of Fried Eggs with Tomatoes a very common Chinese dish:

This is what she had for dinner last night!  It's looks so yummy!  I am very jealous.  Fortunately, the picture came with a recipe.  Here, only light lightly edited, is her recipe for traditional Chinese Eggs with Tomatoes.  Enjoy!

Ingredients:  

2 tomato, 3 eggs, Oil 25 grams,10 grams of sugar,3 grams of salt, spices

Directions:

1.   Clean tomatoes, cut, cut into slices

2 .  Put the eggs into the bowl, add salt, stir with chopsticks

3.  Put oil into the wok, pour the egg, fry into discrete pieces (I'm not sure what "discrete piece" of egg is exactly), then take out

4.  Put more oil into the pot, heat oil, add tomato and stir over small fire, add the cooked eggs, add a

little sugar, salt, and spice.  Cover the pot, stew 2minutes.

This meal serves two or one if you are very hungry.  

There you go.  Now go enjoy some Chinese fried eggs with tomato.

Have a question about how to cook traditional Chinese food?  Drop us a line.  We'd love to serve you up a handy recipe!

 minxi

Funny Stuff: How to Say I'm Sorry To Your Toilet

Although it seems funny now, I didn't get along well with Chinese Toilets.  I know they are low maintenance and the whole rest of the world uses them and all all but damn!

I'm really honky and that thing freaked me out. 

By the time we got back to Hong Kong, I'd been three days without a western style toilet.  Things were rough.  Most of the toilets in Hong Kong guest houses seem to be small low water jobs that look like nothing so much as a marine toilet.  Still, as long as it was somewhere I could sit...

I started day 5 in Angel Guest House, Hong Kong, with this small apology.

Dear small western style toilet,

I love you man.  I have missed you more than I ever imagined a man could miss a toilet.

I never knew how much you meant to me until you were gone.  I feel a little weepy right now.  I'm not sure if it's because of the emotions or because I've got a really bad cramp.  I love you so much!

I've been so lost and alone.  Two days ago I thought I'd found you in a KFC but I was wrong.

I want you to know I'm sorry.  I'm sorry because I've always treated you...well, like a toilet.  I've taken advantage of you thoughtlessly, frankly, I've been using  you all these years and I'm sorry.  I'll never forget how much you mean to me now.

I'm also sorry for what I'm about to do.  I've been in China for three long, lonely days.  I know what I'm about to do is wrong and terrible and desperate, but these are desperate times and I am a desperate man.  I'm sorry.  I love you guest house toilet.

Love,

The Hong Kong Honky

I was so traumatized, I made a tee-shirt.

I've Crapped and I Can't Get Up by theedgeofthedream
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Learn Putonghua (Mandarin) with Becky

Want to learn Putonghua? Try Becky. This is Becky:

Becky is one of the teachers from http://www.echineseonline.com/.   She's a nut but in a good way.  Echinese online features short, easy to understand Chinese lessons from fresh, funny teachers.  I'm not sure how I got on their list but they've been sending me videos for a while now.

Their format is straight forward.  They introduce a topic and go over the tones and key word with you.  I really appreciate the fact that they show the pinyin and the traditional Chinese characters together on the video.

The production value is a little cheesy.  I sometimes feel like I'm watching a kid's how to video but, in traditional Chinese style, the teachers are bright and friendly and they do a great job of taking you step by step through the lesson.

Looking for easy to learn Putonghua (Mandarin) lessons?  Look no further than EChinese online!

Traditional Chinese Cooking with Minxi: The Fish Maw Soup Recipe

On Lantua Island we saw these things:

Turns out that these are fish bladders, or air sacks.  In this case dried fish bladders; also called "Maw" or in phuntonghua "yu biao."  This can be somewhat of a delicacy in China and is the basis for a yummy New Year's soup.    Here's the recipe:

Ingredients:

1 pound dried fish maw

1/2 pound other fish (fish balls, scallops, etc.)

6 cups of chicken stock

1/4 cup sliced fresh ginger

1/4 cup chopped green onion

1 Cup Mushrooms (I couldn't figure out what kind of mushroom, shitake maybe?)

2 Eggs

Directions:

Let the fish maw soak for one hour until soft, then chop. Or, if it is already a powder, just soak.

In your wok, simmer the ginger and green onions until soft, add the other fish.   

In  a separate bowl, mix the fish maw and the chicken stock.  When the other fish is cooked, add the stock/ fish maw mixture.  Cover and simmer for 20 minutes.

Just before serving, add the two eggs and allow to cook into the soup.  Serve with rice.  Duh!

There you go. The Traditional Chinese Fish Maw Soup recipe.  Have a question about a chinese food recipe?  Drop us a line.  Minxi knows a lot more about Chinese food than you can imagine!

VitaMalt: Malt Drink or Salvation in a Bottle?

This is Vitamalt Malt drink the God of malt beverages:

Vita Malt Malt Drink

This is the life it saved:

Kwan Yin  and the Extremely Tired Guy

Vita Malt is basically unfermented beer, it's thick, sweet, and if you are travelling and exhausted, it might just save your life.

Our new home in Chungking Mansion had a very large Indian population.  Angel Guest house was run by Indians and the shopping gallery on the main floor was full of vendors cooking Indian kabobs, samosas, and all kinds of other goodies with saffron in them.  What caught my eye after the long day of stomach trouble on the cross down bus of doom, was the malt drink.  I had Vitamalt before and something about roast barley, hops, and cane sugar laced with vitamins appealed.  The first one sat in belly, heavy and happy the way a malt drink should, the second one got together and partied with the first.  The third sent me into a happy food nap made entirely of cereal malt beverages.

There's no alcohol in Vitamalt which is good for me who after having been and having been married to an alcoholic will never touch the stuff again but you know that warm, happy belly feeling you get from a rich dark beer?  Hmmm.  Say Vitamalt.

Weirdly, while VitaMalt is considered an Indian drink, the malt drink for sale in Chungking mansion, while called Vitamalt, was brewed in Denmark and was kind of expensive  at about $10 HKG apiece but, as the days wore on and exhaustion became more and more of a topic.  I kept my self fortified as wise people have since Egyptian times, with a dark, rich malt drink.  The tireder I was, the better it tasted.

Thank you Vitamalt!