Dinner with The Boys

Minxi and I were hanging out having a photo op in her eldest brother's front room, when Baba announced it was time for dinner.

Eldest Brother, Me, Ba ba, Minxi

Not speaking the language, I really didn't understand the significance of dinner but Minxi was obviously very excited.  What happened next was fun, funny, and a great cultural experience on life in small town China.  

In the kitchen, I found a huge hot pot steaming on the short table, bottles of orange milk, milk tea, and some brown liquor.  There were also six men in the room, all three brothers, Ba ba, and two of Minxi's male cousins; one cousin I had never met before, the other was very nice guy named Aray who I'd met on Skype and spent time with in town earlier.  The only woman present was Minxi who sat next to me and began excitedly translating for me.

What was happening was, now that Ba ba had accepted me, all the male family members had been invited to dinner to meet me.  This was my welcome to the family, old school China style.  All the women were dining next door while the men made me one of their own.

It's important to recognize that, in China, food is very communal.  "Hot Pot" is just that, a pot that food goes into to be boiled.  Everyone felt free to toss food into the hot pot and everyone dipped into it with their chopsticks.  Everyone also felt free to put things into each other's bowls.  You could see Baba's status because everyone gave him the softest parts of the meal (the chicken liver for example) and also kept his plate and cup full.  This also meant that everyone felt free to help me to food, lots and lots of food.  It was all delicious, having come almost entirely from the back yard.

We ate, pork, chicken, beef, dumplings, rice, cabbage, carrots, lettuce, cilantro bundles, red bean soup, eggs, and several mystery things that were very yummy but I never managed to ask what they were.

This was a real high light for Minxi as well.  In the local culture of Xindu, women don't join the men for such meet-ups.  As a young girl she had listened to these meetings taking place in the next room and was very excited to finally be a part of the excitement.  She and Aray, who spoke very good English, tag teamed the translation while we sat and ate and laughed.

You could really see the changes in Chinese culture in the last 20 years.  Minxi is the only one of Baba's children to go to college yet, this was her first time at "the table."  Strange to me as an American but a sign of how fast China is changing.

The brothers, who had been very reserved before, probably waiting for a sign from Baba, opened up, smiling and laughing.   I had practiced with chopsticks before leaving the US and scored big points now for being nimble with them.  I hadn't met Minxi's third brother before.  He had curly hair and a round face, and, so help me God, looked like Jackie Chan.  He was very funny.  When I invited him to visit me in the US, he replied, in the local language, "I don't think I could go there.  I don't speak English.  Talking to Americans would be like chickens talking to a duck."   Everyone laughed.  

It went on for hours, literally.  The entire bottle of liquor was consumed.  I think we ate about half the barnyard.  There were lots of questions back and forth, "How many rooms in your house?"  "How many children?"  etc.  The elder men were proud of the younger men and we talked some about colleges.  College was a rarity when Minxi's brother's were young and they were proud that their sons (and daughters) were studying around the country.  Aray is studying industrial robotics.  His sister is studying in Guilin where Minxi lives.

By the end, everyone seemed to be most entertained by how much I had eaten.  It is polite in Chinese society to offer guests food pretty much until they pop.  I can still see all three brother's faces lit with laughter as eldest brother, (Minxi called them all by their titles) offered me just one more piece of pork.  I don't know what third brother said about it but it was very funny.  I ate the piece gamely and Minxi let me know that it was okay to say I was full.  I agreed that I had had enough.  This brought more gales of laughter.  I was stuffed.  I was exhausted.  I was now one of the boys.  

As the dinner broke up, Minxi led me upstairs.  I was happy, very very happy, my head was ringing with laughter. Images of smiling faces and food roamed around my mind.  My skin felt steamy from the kitchen.  My arms were too heavy to lift.  Minxi helped me to bed and put a glass of water by my head.  We talked for a little while in the cool dark.

"Did I do all right?"

"Yes.  My brothers love you very much."

Yes?"

"Yes.  My number brother thinks you are very funny."

"He's very funny."

"Yes.  He is always joking."

I don't remember her slipping out of the room to her bed next door.  I was already gone.

So Why Minxi

The story so far, the condensed version.  After years of not dating, I decided to try my luck again, saw Billy Idol song on youtube with advert that said, "Meet Chinese Women"  had a go, no luck, almost gave up then found 'chinese love links" a real dating site not "meet chinese women" scam site like before.  Got lots of messages for women working hard to meet that someone also one message from a woman who had her passport photo on her dating site web page.  Asked her why her passport photo.  She said she wanted people to be able to see what she really looked like.  *Ding*

Talked on Skype and email every day for seven months then off to Hong Kong and China to meet her family and ask daddy if I can marry her.  Now I'm back in the US, she's back in China and we are doing tons of paperwork so we can marry.  Whoof!


But why Minxi?  What's the "love test?"  How do I know she's the one

Photo from her Chinese Love Links profile.

It's a little strange I guess.  She's 7,700 miles away.  When we talk it looks like this:

Skyping

Which is okay.  Our convesations sometimes read like someone's list of love quotes.  But there's something about her that's just different.  I could tell she was different the first time we talked.  She is a little excitable.  You'll notice that her feet aren't touching the ground in this picture.

Last Full Day in Hong Kong, Lantau Island

She has this funny squint that I think is cute when she's tired:

Shenzhen China, border crossing

And how you get along when you're tired is a very good love test.

She's definitely dead sexy:

On Phone with Me, Summer 2011

What's not to love about that?

Also, I get along great with her family.

Brother, Sister in Law, Baba, Small People, us

Xindu, China

She's got her share of weird quirks too.  Like not liking to have her picture taken from up close.

Not Happy.  Macau.

Then, of course, there's what got me started thinking about Chinese women; shared religious views.

Macau Temple where We Prayed to Minxi's Mom for Blessing.

But really finding that special someone is about knowing who you are and, well, I'm kind of a nerd.

Night Market in Mon Kok

(Do I always look this British?)

and she really did put her passport photo on her chinese love links site:

I don't know.  I guess some things are just meant to be:

Lantau Island Again.

Maybe the real love test isn't something you take.  Maybe it's something you feel. 

Wo ai ni Minxi! (I love you Minxi.)

The Afternoon Chatter: Good Hearted People in Large Groups

There are subtle but important differences between the lifestyle I'm used to and the life in Xindu, China.  I woke from a long nap to find that Minxi was asleep in the next room.  We were in small town China and it wasn't appropriate for her and I to sleep together.

I made my way downstairs and back out into sunshine in front of the house.  There were four or five women here with a half dozen children. I said hello in Mandarin, which they probably understood and a few other things that they probably didn't.  I was in a different world here.  These women spoke a language that was different from the Cantonese that they spoke on the other side of the river, that was different from the Mandarin spoken in most of China, that was different than the now completely useless language that I spoke.

My arrival caused a bit of a sensation.  The two of Minxi's sister in laws that lived here were there but I think the other women were gawkers, come to see the first westerner in Xindu.  They chatted at me a little and to each other a lot.  I arrived wearing socks because my shoes were too dirty to wear in the house.  There was some pointing and laughter and I was brought house slippers.  There was a lot of laughter when they were too small and several other pair had to be tried before I gestured that I thought I had on a pair that would do.

What was I to do?  The sun was warm, people from up and down the street were taking little walks past the house to see me or shouting happily at the women around me.  It was just daily life.  A mother encouraged her little boy to pee in the grass by the side of the street, trucks rumbled by, the last firecrackers from the Spring Festival sounded here and there.  The long tired of Minxi and my's journey was still heavy on my shoulders.

As I sat in the sun, my apprehension about being so fascinating started to wear off.  I began to notice something I hadn't expected.  All of these people were glad to see me.  I'd yet to get a standoffish or hostile reaction from anyone.  Some were startled, some seemed confused, all were curious, but no one was tense or hesitant in their reaction to me.  I was in a kind of bubble or I had traveled in time or something.  Everyone on this street, in this city, maybe in the whole region, knew each other, no one was rich, no one was armed.  They didn't tend to greet each other on the street the way American's do, but they also didn't fear each other or me the way Americans do.

I was approached by three sisters, two in college one in high school, who wanted to practice there English.  This place ran on rules all right, the younger girls couldn't speak while the eldest was speaking and all three stopped immediately when any of the elder women spoke, but they were social rules not rules of fear or violence.  I found the Chinese to be friendly like this in general.  They tend to be quieter than we are, and keenly aware of social and familial boundaries but, outside of those, there was a gentleness, especially far out in the countryside.  I know, had I indicated that I was hungry, not only the people I was staying with but random people on the street would have rushed to help me.

I was reminded of a story I heard in a Jewish temple once.  It was about a man who saw strangers passing on his land.  When he saw them, he rushed home, not to get a weapon or someone to help him run the strangers off, but to make sure food was made so that the strangers would not pass unfed.

I'm not a fool, I know life is complex and social issues ingrained but, sitting on that porch in a town with no guns and no jails and no locks on the door, I felt a kind of peace I've seldom really known.  I felt I knew these people better and more easily than I know my neighbors at home.

Ba ba came and summoned me to meet with his eldest son's family and I had to go in, but I've got a little tiny place inside me called "front porch in Xinu."  I go there sometimes.  It's nice.  I hope I can go there again in this world soon.

In front of Minxi's Brothers' Houses Looking North West Toward Xindu

Funny Stuff: Chinese Toilets and The Exploding Water Heater

Here's the basic problem I have with Chinese toilets:

Chinese Toilet, Tai O Market

Do I have to say anything else?  There's a hole in the ground with two foot pads and a small pedal.  I'm not going to explain exactly how you use this but let's just say I am way to honky to feel comfortable baring my biscuits over that thing.  I understand that these toilets are very common around the world.  It's makes sense.  There's only one moving part, it needs almost no water to run and you can clean it with a garden hose.  But, to a "sit down and do a crossword" guy like me, that thing is nightmare.  Not funny!

I don't want to get into gross details here but let's just say that by the time I got to Xindu, I'd been in China for 24 hours and my body had not yet made the adjustment.  Things had been rough before that.   The toilet at the guest house wasn't flushing and I'd been waiting till we were out and about to do what had to be done.  

I don't know if my hesitancy to use this toilet is just a me thing or what.  The day before we got to Xindu, I was standing at the stand up stall at  a rest stop watching guys go into and out of the "squatters."

 "So you just walk right in there?"  I wanted to ask them.  "It doesn't make you feel weird?   Perfectly normal is it? Is there a cold draft?  Because I couldn't do a draft."  The cure came quickly and unexpectedly.

In many homes and hotels, this guy is placed right under the shower head and acts as the floor drain as well.  By the time I got to the shower, toilet combo in Xindu, 10 hours North West of Hong Kong, I was really too tired to argue with my body about whether or not I was the "squatting" type.  The water heater at Minxi's brother's house was a wall mounted gas number.  On the way into the bathroom, I noticed the gas bottle and flipped it on.  Really hot water sounded so good after the night on the bus and the hours in the all night KFC.  I found a hook on the door for my towel and climbed out of my grimy clothes.  I grabbed the shower head, flipped on the switch and ALL THE GAS THAT HAD BEEN BUILDING UP SINCE I TURNED IT ON AT THE TANK EXPLODED IN A DOOR AND WINDOW RATTLING BOOM.  It was quiet for a few seconds then Minxi's voice came from the other side of the door, "Are you okay?"

"Uh yeah," I muttered.  I wasn't sure how to tell her that while I wasn't likely breathe again for six weeks, at least I'd overcome my fear of the Chinese Toilet.

As therapy, I made this funny shirt, the first of a line of Chinese themed shirts Minxi and I want to start:

I've Crapped and I Can't Get Up by theedgeofthedream
Become a part of Zazzle's clothing affiliate program

Meeting the Man

Minxi's two oldest brothers have a house building business and pretty much the nicest houses in town.

Minxi's2nd Brother's House

They are side by side, three story tall, white tile jobs.  Although I was there in the cool of February, the main concern is shedding heat.  There are no carpets and high ceilings.  The hallways and stairwells echo with voices from the kitchen or front room.

We were greeted by Minxi's eldest brother, a hansom man of maybe 50 years.  He had short hair and face that smiled easily.  "Ni hao."  I said, "wo jiao xiao gou gou."  'Hello, my name is small lap dog.'  

He and, everyone else on the street, laughed.  I knew that Minxi and her father called me Xiao gou gou.  It's sort of a joke since, at 6'1," I'm really way to big to be anyone's lapdog.

Minxi and I were shown to straight to Ba ba's room.  I can see it so clearly.  It was a large room 12' X 12' maybe, with white and green morning light pouring in a window.  Ba ba was there sitting on a wide bed.  He rose to greet me and offered me a cigarette, the customary greeting apparently.  We both agreed that we didn't smoke and I sat on the bed with him.  Minxi joined us from a rough wooden chair by the bed.

The morning was still cool and the tile walls were wet with dew.  Ba ba's breath steamed in the light from the window as we spoke.

"I speak English slowly."  He said.  "Because I taught English twenty-eight years ago."  He paused.  "Also my hearing is falling."   I understood.  At 83 he was afraid that his memory of English would not be too good.  Also, he was partly deaf.

I was in a wonderland.  This man, who survived wars, and revolutions, raised a child alone, and was the elder of his family, was spending time to talk to me.  The conversation didn't matter much.  He couldn't hear me and nodded when Minxi translated for me.  What mattered was that I had come home.  To a new home, a new family, a new way of life.  

My father wasn't a bad man, just hopelessly, destructively self-indulgent, far more interested in telling you what a great man he was than in showing any kind of restraint or nobility.  Ba ba is the opposite, having survived an incredibly hard life, he wanted to sit in his house and tell me about his son's garden out the window, about rain and the dangers of cold water.  He was in charge of the family no doubt.  He never asked me what I wanted to do.  He would say, "come sit in the living room now."  or "Now it is time to eat."  But this wasn't ego.  He wasn't proud of his ability to order people about.  he was proud of his children and grandchildren and he liked to sit in the sun.

We only talked a little about Minxi and my's wedding plans.  He didn't really understand what it would take to get her to the US.  He only wanted to take a look at me make sure I was okay.

We passed some marker I couldn't see.  He said, "Okay.  Now you go to take shower and then sleep.  Later we eat."  The 'we eat' meant that he was going to summon this male members of the family together to meet me.  I had been accepted.  I was now a member of Minxi's family.  In many ways this was the moment that Minxi and I were married.

The shower exploded, but that's a story for another blog.  Here's today's story:

It took three airplanes, four buses, one subway, one taxi, and a motorcycle to get this shot. I'm about 7,700 miles from home.  Was it worth it?  Oh hell yes.  I'm a member of that man's family now, and the very tired looking girl is my wife.  What a great life I'm having.

Day 3 Part 2: Xindu

We arrived in Xin Du at about 9:00 am.  Xindu is a small but bustling city right in the middle of a blank spot on the map of China.

View Larger Map

I managed to find HuZho, where the KFC saved our life on the map (it's under the A) but xindu?  Not so much.  It's on the river that runs East and West across this picture.  I think its just South of Liantangzhen at the very South edge of this map.

Xindu was dirty and dusty.  Most of the streets were blacktop but cars and motorcycles drove over the curbs and across the vacant lots turning the whole thing brown and dusty.  Sanitation was had buy scooping a hole in the ground and dumping trash into it.  Once the hole gets filled, it's covered in dirt.  I'm sure in the 4000 year history of this city, that's been a good solution for most of the time. In the age of the brightly colored plastic bag, well, redigging the same hole makes it look like a supermarket just vomited on your town.

In contrast to the brown and the dirt, were the brightly colored canopies and umbrellas over the shops and stalls.  Green mounded hills rolled out in all directions.  We driven through a brief, heavy rain and the town was cool and steamy when we arrived.  It was the last day of the Spring Festival and red wrappers from fireworks littered the ground.

Minxi got on the phone as the bus pulled away and I stood for a few moments alone in the mud.  There was the wonderful smell of cooking nearby.

I find it hard to imagine that I was the first westerner ever to visit Xindu but I was certainly the first that anyone could remember.  There was a cone of quiet around me.  Passersby stopped talking, peering at me out of the corner of their eyes.  Mopeds did that slight swerve thing as their riders turned to look at me.  How weird.  Me.  Just plain old me.  Now I was the oddity.  I was the attraction.  Can it be that our world is still so large that in three days travel I can arrive at a city that has never seen a white face?  It seemed so surreal.  Here was a town, just a town having just a day.  Not that different from my town really, yet the gossip, the chatter passing up and down the street was, "Lao hui.  Lao hui."  Literally, "Foreign friend.  Foreign friend."  Did you see the stranger down there?  I didn't feel different than these people.  I'm not different really.  It made me sad in a way.  All of us working so hard, saving, spending, struggling with life, yet here was a place that no one from at least two continents had ever stopped to say hi.

The day glowed with watery light and lack of sleep.  I held Minxi's hand and smiled at the people that passed.  "Ni hao."  'Be well.'  I said, and they smiled back.  Maybe I was not the best representative for the Western World but I decided to be a friendly one.

A few minutes later Minxi's brother and nephew arrived on their motorcycles to whisk us across the river to an even more remote world.  There I was to meet the man.  Minxi's father.  I could have had Minxi meet me in Beijing but her father is an incredible man and I wanted to meet him and ask for Minxi's hand in person. I'd traveled a thousand extra miles and gone 24 hours into the hinterlands of China to find him.  As we rode over the river with its rusted out barges and reedy beds, I was more worried about what I would say to him than of death by mad motorcyclist.